Apps are the new 1-900 numbers!

We gave Max an old iPhone to play games on. He loves it and so do I:) However, he somehow figured out how to download games from the App Store. Here are just a few of the $25 worth of games he downloaded: The Moron Test, Cartoon Wars, Call of Duty, Frogger, Zombieville and iBeer.

iBeer is my personal favorite! I had no idea some apps cost $9.99! Which leads me to believe that we live in a new generation of 1-900 numbers. Needless to say, we have removed the offending apps with the exception of Frogger because, well….that’s just an awesome one isn’t it?

What’s on your nightstand?

Anyone who knows me knows I’m a bit of a furniture snob. So much so, that I haven’t even bought a formal dining table because, at this point, the one that I want is somewhere in the double digits, and, therefore, currently out of my grasp. That’s how much of a snob I am; I won’t buy just a “nice” dining table because it’s not good enough, so I’ll just wait until I can get what I want. Well, my nightstands were the same situation. I got them from Drexel a few years back and, let me just say, they are BEAUTIFUL. Quality wood, beautiful inlay, gorgeous detailing….just really nice pieces.

Before I had kids, my nightstand had ordinary and typical usage. It held various books, glasses, hairbands etc. Post kids is a very different story. I was cleaning up last night and noticed my nightstand(which I haven’t given much thought to in, oh say….4 years!). I looked at this beautiful piece of artistic craftsmanship and was suddenly appalled at my lack of respect for such beauty. Laying on the top was a very stinky, VERY dirty diaper from Miss Kate.

That got me thinking about how very different my life has become since having kids. My priorities have shifted so much, that I could not even remember the last time my nightstand had anything other than ‘mom’ crap. So I thought it would be funny to list the items my nightstand has either housed or held since having kids:

-Diapers, both unused and (cough) used.
-Wipes
-Breast pump
-Breast milk(yes….yuck)
-Breast shields
-Breast milk storage bags(unused and used….yuck again)
-Bottles
-Countless books about HOW to get your baby to SLEEP!
-Baby Blanket
-A sole children’s sock or shoe
-Sippy cups
-Various onsies and baby pants
-Pacifires
-Countless books about HOW to get your toddler to OBEY!
-Fruit snacks and/or other individually wrapped snack foods.
-Boudreauxs Butt Cream

My nightstand and I have been through a lot….and I appreciate everything it’s done for me.

Oh NO She Didn’t!

I think I was harder on Max than I am on Kate. He was so obviously strong-willed and defiant, that I had to be on my game. We had a clear set of rules and a warning system in place by the time he was 22 months. First I would give him a warning and if he didn’t stop the behavior, then I counted to three. If I got to three, then he went to timeout. Kate’s discipline strategy has been somewhat different in that there hasn’t really been any strategy involved at all.

Miss Thang is currently terrible two-ing all over the place. In Target, Walgreens, Starbucks parking lots, home, other people’s homes etc….she is an equal opportunity terrorist. She’s screaming, throwing things, kicking, well, you get the general idea. The bizarre thing about it is that I am just kinda taking it. I have started to feel like I have PTSD with my toddler. Every time I hear that scream, I instinctively duck because I know she’s about to launch a foreign object in my general direction. Sheesh!

I would never have let Max act the way Kate’s been acting. Case in point, I tried to go to the gym this morning and she threw a whopper of a tantrum on the way in. I mean that diva plopped her size 24 month butt down in the parking lot, took off her shoe and threw it at an innocent passer by! Since that didn’t make as drastic of a statement as she desired(I believe she mistook my stunned immobility as a sign of apathy), she then sprawled out and smacked her head on the sidewalk to emphasize her point.

Well, after today’s incident I’ve decided enough is enough. Neither my time nor my workout schedule will be hijacked by a demanding diva toddler. I’m taking a stand and going back to the system that worked with Max. I’ll fill you in on the progress, but my mommy instinct tells me that Miss Thang is not going to take too kindly to imposing rules and regulations. I will either swim or sink…maybe she’ll be so kind as to throw a floatation device at my head if it’s the latter.

I Confess…

1) Sometimes I like to pinch my kids because they’re so freakin’ cute.

2) Sometimes I turn on Yo Gabba Gabbe two, maybe three times in a row if they’re both feelin it.

3) I think all babies should be fat…like REALLY fat.

4 ) A naked baby booty must be squeezed immediately, even if it’s not one of my kids’.

5) Sometimes my kids have chicken nuggets for dinner five nights in a row.

6) Sometimes I feel like hiding from them.

7) I love to watch them when they don’t know I’m watching…it’s usually a highlight of the day.

8) I thought I was a patient person until I had kids.

9) I sometimes tell other mothers I don’t let them watch Spongebob, but I do.

10) It’s crazy how two little beings can be so completely adorable yet outrageously frustrating at the same time.

Hits you right in the gut

About a week ago Max was in one of his “moods.” He was stomping around and pouting about what four year olds usually pout about: television. He wanted to watch more and I said that he’d seen enough, so I turned it off. A pretty heated argument ensued, because that what we do now…argue. He ran off yelling at me from over his shoulder(you’ll note he’s already learned how to get the last word!), and I continued about my business. An hour later, Max reappeared and said to me, “I’m sorry I’m a bad boy.” Damnit.

Of course I feel aweful and I have no idea where he got that term. I always use the phrase, “You’re being naughty right now,” or, “Max, that is very naughty behavior.” I really don’t use “bad boy,” because it just sounds kinda harsh to me. Anyway, I sat him down and told him that he was not a bad boy, he just did naughty things sometimes. Cue blank stare, blank stare, eyes wandering….okay, obviously that concept was over his head so I switched gears. I said, “Max you’re not a bad boy. You’re a good boy.” Well, that made him smile and it seemed like the conversation was over. He bounded off pacified and content while I patted myself on the back for being a totally awesome mediator.

I thought the conversation had been quashed, but that night he lay in bed and asked me to “sweep” with him. So I laid next to him and he then proceeded to ask me, “Mommy, can you pweese talk to me about being a good boy.” Well that hit me right in the gut and it occurred to me that he spends most days listening to how he’s messing up. Either I’m correcting him on manners, hitting his sister, arguing etc. But I don’t really spend the same amount of time praising him. So, I’ve made it a mission to try and point out the good things he does every day. Some days it’s harder to find equal amounts of good vs bad, but I’ll even use, “Good job playing the Wii son!” if it means keeping it equal.

I can tell you that every night, after the teeth have been brushed, songs have been sung and books have been read, I lay with him and we discuss all the ‘”good” things he did that day. Before I leave, instead of just saying “Good night,” I now say, “Good night…good boy.” The little smile that spreads on his face is enough to get me up the next morning and do it all over again…even if I have to really dig to find something nice to say.

Max’s Top 10 Hits

So, I’ve stated in previous posts that I don’t listen to children’s music…I just can’t do it. Lord knows I’ve tried, but I love music too much to listen to a chorus of not-my-children singing “Old MacDonald” over and over and over and over and over again. Instead, I’ve made it a point to crank the radio during a particularly awesome song, while I point out why said song is so awesome. After making a mixed CD of some of Max’s favorites, I am beginning to rethink my strategy. Here is a list of his top 10 Favorites:

1)Boom Boom Pow by the Black Eyed Peas. A fun dance song that he refers to as ‘his’ song.

2)Right Round by Flo Rida. Another fun song, but I have a sinking suspicion it’s not about dancing at all…

3)I Know You Want Me(Calle Ocho) by Pitbull. At least that’s mostly in Spanish, so neither me nor Max know the vulgar, Spanish things coming out of his mouth.

4)Dead and Gone by T.I. featuring JT. At least Max doesn’t understand what T.I. is talking about when he raps about driveby shooting retaliation, but neither do the millions of other white dudes who’ve propelled this song to the top of the charts, yet THEY still love it too.

5)Poker Face by Lady GaGa. Ummm, I think he might be gay…

6)My Life Would Suck Without You by Kelly Clarkson. It’s probably not a good idea to condone a four year old shouting “SUCK” at the top of his lungs.

7)Don’t Trust Me by 3OH!3. The only part he likes is, “Shush girl, shut yo lips. DOOO the Helen Keller, and talk with your hips.” Oh come on, that doesn’t even make sense!

8)Halo by Beyonce. Oh thank God something normal. Except he loves the high-noted runs the best…again, back to the gay question mark(Not that there’s anything WRONG with that).

9)Clumsy by Fergie. There is entirely too much Fergie on this list. Unacceptable Max…un-ac-ceptable.

10)Blame It by Jamie Foxx. Oh crap, I’m a terrible mother.

The Walgreens Lady

We were in Walgreens yesterday to pick up a few things. Max loves Walgreens. Everytime we go, he loves wandering the isles and directing me as to which isle we should head down next. Yesterday, he was particularly “excited” to be there-demonstrated by the bouncing, chattering skipping and fondling of various items. You know, typical boy stuff. We proceeded to the check-out where an older, pink haired lady awaited with a look of pure dread…almost like I was rolling a dead, mangled body in my shopping cart. The following conversation ensued:

Max-LookMommy!MOOMMMEEEYYYlookatthecandycanIhavesomecandy? OooohhhhhlookMommywhat’sthatcanIhaveoneofthosetooMOOMMMEEEYYY!(Notice these should probably be sentences, but they come out as one, long word when Max gets in the zone).

Me-No Max, you don’t need any candy. No you can’t have that. Please come over here, I can’t see you.

Kate-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKK!

Me-Good grief Katie, I…

Max-MOOMMMEEEYYYlookatmeI’mcrawlinglikeasnakeooohhhI’mafrognow…

Lady-My. Um. He sure is busy isn’t he?

Me-Yes, they’re BOTH busy. Heh, heh.

Lady-You’ve certainly got your hands full.

Me-(Courteous laugh) I sure do.

Katie-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Lady-(Pausing for the ringing in her ears to stop) I don’t think I could do it.

Me-(Courteous, strained laugh)

Lady-I mean, they would drive me crazy.

Me-(Waiting for the “But they sure are cute” qualifier)

Lady-They’re just SO loud….Ya know?

Me-Not as loud as your 57 cats you old spinster windbag….

Well, that last bit was only in my head, but it’s what I ALMOST said had Max not run out the front doors pushing a shopping cart and screaming, “Lookit’sarollercoster!” Oy.

When Babies Attack…

I thought this was an interesting story on www.msnbc.com. It’s a story regarding how many injuries mothers sustain from their children. All accidental, of course, but it made me think about my own children. In particular the ER visit I endured during the first day of our Florida vacation.

There we were in the KFC in Navarre, Florida, and Max insisted that he had to go to the potty. After less than two seconds of peeing(he’s REALLY into inspecting each establishment’s bathroom ambiance everywhere we go), he walked out of the stall and proceeded to slam the door shut on my index and middle finger. There may not be anything more disconcerting than having to open a two inch steel door to retrieve your fingers…well, unless you’re THIS chick. Anyway, we rushed off to the Urgent Care-which we had earlier joked about in the car, “Oh, there’s the Urgent Care in case one of our KIDS gets hurt. Har-dee-har-har.” Ugh.

Three stitches, countless tears and a little Tylenol Codeine later, mommy was right with the world. My index finger will always bare the scar of my time in Florida, but at least Max got to see what the sh@%%er looked like.

Accessories!

Kate is a little girl after my own heart…not even 2 years old and she’s already accessorizing.

What you can’t see in the picture is her matching bracelet, Uggs and wide belt…Hee,hee! I can’t get over how different boys and girls are. Max makes sound effects as he runs his cars and Batmobile around. Katie wakes up and goes straight to her necklace, sunglasses and kitchen.

Now that I know she’s an accessorizing kinda girl, I just have to instill the infamous and oh-so-true words by Coco Chanel, “When accessorizing, always take off the last thing you put on.” Words to live by my friends.

Hey Florida! Are you ready for The Roberts?

We’re leaving this Thursday for 8 days of fun in the sun! It will be Max’s second or third trip to the beach and Kate’s first. Seeing as how she doesn’t like to be hot, cold, wet, dirty or generally inconvenienced in any way…this should be interesting. It’s a birthday celebration for my FIL…I won’t go into his age(you’re welcome Pop Pop), but I’ll just say it’s a “milestone birthday.” Needless to say, those “milestones” usually go down with a bang!

My only reservation is the plane ride. Max has always been good on planes, you just give him a few movies, snacks, and books and he’s ready to roll. Miss Thang, on the other hand, has proved a bit more challenging. Lately she has been absolutely un-entertainable. Is that a word? Well it should be because that’s EXACTLY what she is, un-entertainable. I can’t keep her attention longer than 10 minutes with any one thing, so I’ve been collecting an entire bag of new toys to hopefully make it through the hour and a half flight. I don’t know if you all read the previous post about our disaster plane ride to and from California…but I’m not looking forward to reliving it!

I am so determined to not have a repeat of the last disaster that I am procuring not one, but TWO portable DVD players. I don’t care what Ryan says, I need to do everything I can to entertain them as much as possible to maintain the peace..if not for myself then for the other passengers! I know, I know, your next question is, “But why can’t they just watch the same movie?” That WOULD be nice wouldn’t it? Too bad my kids didn’t get the memo entitled, “Let’s just give mom a break and be reasonable about the whole thing.” Nope. My kids like completely different shows. Max is a Caillou, Wow Wow Wubzy man, and Kate is a Yo Gabba Gabba and Dora enthusiast…and so it begins.

We were suppose to go to Hawaii, but the thought of 10 hours on a plane with my children disturbed me so deeply, that I ended up in the fetal position sucking my thumb and singing “Hush Little Baby.” I think everyone took pity on me and humored me with a much shorter trip to Florida. I am grateful, cause just the thought of a 10 hour plane ride…just…Uh-oh, I’m feeling a strong urge to find a cool, dark corner.

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