Being a Mom

Let’s Jump!

It has finally happened. Kate is officially a terrible two…and she’s only 17 months old! It started slowly; a frustrated cry here, a defiant look there. She has now moved on to full fledged temper tantrums and the worst part is, Max is still having them as well. Needless to say I’m pretty worn out from all of the screaming(extremely loud) and parenting(not always very good) going on daily. I was doing the time out thing in her crib with books, then I decided that she ready for real time out-which is not filled with singing, books and fun! I thought it was time to get serious and a bit militant with Miss Thang…but I am sad to report that all attempts at “militant” time out have, alas, been used in vain. She just doesn’t give a crap!

Just yesterday we had a MAJOR showdown about the side table in the living room. Max likes to stand on the table(which is adjacent to the couch) and “fall” onto the couch. He also enjoys jumping from the ottoman(which serves as a coffee table) onto the couch. Now, at first I was very much against all of this jumping and falling, but I have slowly resigned to the fact that I must pick and choose my battles with him. As many of you with “spirited” children are WELL aware, you can’t battle about everything because the 3 year old has way more staying power and drive to win. Anyway, Kate has been watching Max like a hawk for the past few months and she decided yesterday was the perfect day to impress him with her adept climb/fall skills.

I left her and Max in the family room while I went to tend to the “laundry.” And by, “laundry,” I mean “check my email.” I returned about one minute later and I spotted her…standing on the side table, which is surrounded by tile, and staring defiantly at me then the couch. Just as I lunged to yank her to safety, she swan dove onto the couch….laughing that maniacle, Joker giggle the whole way down. After the time out, she proceeded to march right back to the couch, climb onto the table and fall again. Here’s how my afternoon went:
Me: “Katie! That’s a No No!”
Katie: “HAHAHAHAHAHA! Catch ya on the flip side mom!”
Me: “You wanna go to time out?”
Katie: “Sure, after I jump one more time. Hey Max! Check THIS out!”
Me: “Fine. You’re going to time out again!”
Katie: “Whateves.”

We had this exchange over and over and over…I give up.

Max’s quotes of the week

On discussing where we should eat that day and what toy he would receive: I wanna go to Kings Burger and get the pink glasses!

Upon the realization that no other kids were at the Burger King playcenter: Where are my best friends? I NEED my best friend!

On going number two in the potty after eating too many Sweet Tarts: Mommy! Mommy! Can you help me? My poo-poo is hurting and I have pee-pee on my foot. Can you get it off?

On having to apologize to Baby Kate because he jumped on her head: I didn’t hurt her Mommy. I was just showing her how to jump off the couch.

After playing with our dog: Mommy, Zoe is my best friend.

After being told it’s time to get out of the bathtub: That was AWEFUL!

When asked if he knew what “aweful” meant: Yes. It means sad. It was a sad bath.

And finally, after losing at one of the Wii Carnival games: Oh. My. God! THIS is Ri-Dic-U-Lous!

I play, You play, Wii all play!

I was very much against letting my kids play video games before the age of 8…just like I was against letting them watch television, eat at McDonalds and play in the mud, but I think we all know how THAT turned out. There were a lot of things I thought I would never allow my kids to do; especially play video games! A few years ago, I was at a friends house and her 4 year old was expertly manuevering a “Bob the Builder” game on the computer. I sat in awe and amazement that this still-craps-in-his-pants little boy could be so astute at the computer and I could barely keep up! I left her house smiling smugly(as many people without children do), and thinking, “That is soooo sad. He should be out playing outside instead of sitting in front of a computer all day. I bet he’ll have ADD or something.”

Yes, things are much more black and white when you don’t have children. It’s just soooooo easy to cast judgement on the parenting choices of others, and swear that YOU’LL never do “that.” But that’s because you haven’t actually faced a steaming mad, screaming toddler in the face who is not amused with the thousand dollars worth of toys you’ve collected, and the only thing that will keep his/her attention long enough for you to take that wicked pee that you promised yourself you would take(oh, about an hour ago), is a Baby Einstein video or Yo Gabba Gabba on the TiVo.

So, needless to say I’ve changed my stance on many things over the 3.5 years I’ve been a mother, and video games is one of them. We got a Wii for Christmas, and I have to say that EVERYONE loves it! Max has one game in particular that he loves called, “Carnival,” which he refers to as, “Carnival Wii.” Even Ryan and I have stayed up many nights playing the sports games and bragging about who KO’d whom in the Boxing game. It has even turned into quite a powerful bargaining tool, “If you eat your green beans, then you can play the Wii,” or, “If you don’t throw a fit when we leave the store, then you can play the Wii.” Yes, Ryan then complies with all of my requests, as does the 3 year old….most of the time.

Lullaby’s are soooo last season

Our neighbors just had their first baby. He’s totally adorable and so tiny. Holding him, it was hard to imagine either one of my kids ever being that small. Well, actually Kate was that small and Max was a monstrosity of a baby, so he was not. But regardless, I was holding this tiny, little baby last night and all the memories of being a first time parent came flooding back….especially when I got home and had time to think. I don’t remember a lot about the first days of Max’s existence, but I do remember sitting in the hospital on the second night. I was trying to nurse him; he was frustrated with my ineptness; I was crying; he was screaming….that basically sums up our entire relationship since.

So, I was sitting there, trying to come up with something to do or sing(because in my research pre-baby, I read somewhere that babies love hearing you sing). I was really struggling to come up with something…I tried, “Rock a’bye baby,” but he screamed louder(probably because of the threat of his cradle crashing to the ground surely sealing his fate). Then I tried that “Hush little baby” song, but I couldn’t remember the lyrics(cue more frustration with my ineptness). I was racking my brain trying to think of something, and the only thing that came to my mind, that I could remember the lyrics and melody, was, “Every Rose Has its Thorn.“Yes, apparently when I’m under pressure, I resort to 80s hair bands to calm my nerves and get me through.

Well, my son has impeccable taste because he quieted right down. From then on, I decided I was not going to bother with the classic lullabies. Instead, I was going to serenade my precious with a totally awesome collection of mommy’s favorites. His list of songs includes: Every Rose has its Thorn, Your Song, Beautiful Boy and Blackbird. What’s even MORE hilarious, is that Max can sing EVERY SINGLE lyric to every song. It’s quite amusing to hear a 3 year old singing, at the top of his lungs, “And now I hear you found somebody new. And that I never meant that much to you. To hear that tears me up inside and to see you cu-uts me like a knife.

Kate is starting her very own song list as well. Her’s include: Kiss the Girl, Good Night Sweetheart, I’m Yours and Somewhere Over the Rainbow. I’m sure there will come a day when she will sing, oh so softly and sweetly,”I tried to be chill but your so hot I melted.

So….for all of you NON-Lullibiers out there. Tell me. What do YOU sing to your kiddos? Or if you don’t have kids, what WILL you sing when the day comes that you’re faced with a tiny, red faced, screaming baby, just waiting to be impressed?

My little drunk

I forgot how absolutely ADORABLE a baby is when they start to walk. Wobbly, staggard steps; hands splayed out for balance; head positioned slightly forward to maintain direction. It’s just the cutest thing in the world. Many mom’s have termed learning to walk the, “Frankenstein Walk.” I, however, think that it looks a little different. I was watching Kate wobble around this morning and it made me think of a little, drunk old lady whose just spotted the nursing home’s exit door ajar, so she decided to make a break for it….have you got the visual? Well, if you’ve actually seen Kate, you’d probably imagine a little old man instead, due to her unfortunate hairline that hasn’t quite filled-in in the front! Nevertheless, she’s toddling all over the place and babbling as she makes it from one end of the room to the other. Soon, she’ll be toddling over and asking me for the keys to the car and $20 for gas….I can’t wait.

You can run, but you can’t hide

I knew it was coming. I knew it would not be long. I KNEW I could not go more than a year before it happened(que Jaws theme music)….the EAR INFECTION!! In our house, no two words together have caused more sleepless nights(everyone), snotty noses(kids), fever(kids) and tears(mostly mine). Kate has been diagnosed with her very first ear infection…and it only took 13 months. On the whole, that actually isn’t bad since it seemed like Max had one every three months for almost two years….he just CAN’T go easy on me can he? We were in beautiful, sunny Palm Springs for Christmas, but nary a sun ray to be had nor a palm tree to be seen since both kiddos came down with head colds as soon as their feet touched California land….I think they may be allergic, but I’m no doctor. So we spent most of our “vacation” running back and forth to CVS and stocking up on the local delicacies(since you can’t just get everything in one stupid trip) such as: Mucinex(Grape AND Cherry), Sudafed(even though the FDA has CLEARLY banned if for six years and under, but what the hell do they know….she says defiantly), humidifiers(two…one for each kid), Benadryl(because I’m not above drugging a baby to get some sleep!) and a very cheap, large bottle of wine for mommy. Needless to say my husband and I were dreading the flight back, and we were not disappointed. Let’s just say that bad things were said, food was thrown, hands flew and screaming emanated from everyone’s mouths. I even think Max let out a curse word somewhere, but I cannot be sure. But, we made it back to Texas safely, if not a wee bit humiliated and traumatized. First thing this morning, I called Doc Scott and I am about to go pick up BOTH of their antibiotics since they both have ear infections. Max is handling his very well…he’s the ole’ pro. Kate, on the other hand, has seen better days. She’s tired, misty eyed and probably wondering what the hell happened to the right side of her head. I too am tired, misty eyed and wondering what the hell happened to my entire face!

Voulez-vou l’eau avec bubbles ou sans bubbles….

Okay, you’ll have to pardon my French…it’s been a VERY long time since I had to write or speak it, and even then I sucked pretty bad! I actually liked it in high school, but then I had this aweful professor in college that ruined it for me. He spoke French with an Albanian accent, so it sounded like a cross between French and German….where’s the romance in that? Plus, he was always droning on and on about how the French were bigots and racists towards the Albanians, and drove them out of the country, blah, blah, blah. It didn’t help that the class was from 7-9 pm on THURSDAY nights. Any fellow collegiates understand what that means? Yes, THURSDAY nights were the big nights to go out and par-tay! BUT, that is neither here nor there.
Emily…why IS this post titled “Voulez-vou l’eau avec bubbles ou sans bubbles,” you wonder? Well, roughly translated it means “Would you like the water with or without fizz.” I heard this a lot when I visited France a few years ago. In every restaurant we ate, that was the standard question when ordering water. Sooooo what do a French waiter, Emily and meal time at the Roberts houshold have in common? Easy. I feel like a freakin’ French waiter every time I go to serve my 1 year old daughter, who is now lovingly referred to as “Miss Diva Thang.” Don’t get me wrong. She is a fantastic eater, which is way more than I can say for Miggity Max Daddy…the only thing green he liked to eat were his boogies. HAHAHA! No, she’s picky about her drinks. There will be no apple juice or grape juice or even water in THIS house. Nooooo, that would be way too convenient and cost effective. Miss Diva Thang requires her drinks to be FLAVORED water; specifically, Gerber Fruit Splashers. And no, she will not drink it straight from the refrigerator….but she will require it to be warmed to perfection in the microwave. I’ve finally gotten the exact drink/time ratio down-five ounces of flavored water to 18 seconds makes it the perfect temperature for my little angel. Why oh why did I let it get this far? Because I’m a sucker that’s why…what else can I say? I’ve created a petite, particular little monster. However, she’s also a very persuasive little devil…she launched a full-blown drink strike a few months ago where she refused all juices. So, until the day comes where she can get her own drinks and warm them in her own microwave, I’ll just have to keep serving her the way she wants it done…”Avec arome de fruits mon petite princesse?”…..Oh, and she also has to have her food warmed to the perfect temperature as well, but that’s a post for another day:)

Kate has invented a new sport

Max never messed with the childproofed areas around the house. He never tried to open cabinets or get into the toilet. He did attempt the occasional drawer, but, since he couldn’t get far, he’d just get frustrated and give up. That’s why we never even completely childproofed the drawers in the kitchen, he just didn’t care about them. I have even joked that half of the drawers are childproofed, except the knife drawer…you think I’m kidding? So, you can imagine my shock and complete bewilderment when I discovered Kate’s new pastime: removing the outlet covers! It started slowly, and I didn’t even know what was really going on. I caught her a few times with the plastic covers in her mouth and thought, “Ah. That must have been Ryan’s neglectful oversight,” and I would make a mental note to chastise him about the dangers of leaving electrical outlets exposed. But it started happening so often, I decided that even Ryan wouldn’t be that careless, so I decided to set her by an outlet and see if my suspicions were correct. So, I sat and watched a ten month old carefully and meticulously pry away the thin, plastic cover that separated her little body from about 15000 watts of pure shock. She has since made it her new sport…nay, her personal MISSION to search and destroy all outlet covers. The problem is, she is completely opposite from Max in terms of patience. I’m sure he tried to get the covers off, but gave up quickly and moved on to bigger and better dangers; like the stairs(man, that kid loved climbing stairs!). Kate, on the other hand, has the patience of a nun and the focus of a knife juggler. She also has freakishly long, bony fingers that enable her to get in between about a half millimeter of space to pry that sucker clean off. I’m a little out of my league on this one. I have tried saying “No!” in my assertive voice while I remove her from the dangerous situation, but she just laughs and keeps on prying. So I guess I’ll have to keep searching the internet for the perfect outlet cover, and keep fishing plastic covers out of her mouth until I find a better solution. ni0h'[ioj’klm;.,…she also likes to help me type:)

Everything’s coming up daisies

For my son’s first Halloween, I dressed him like a little pony. For his second, he roared like a lion. This past Halloween he was an overstuffed, over-sugared dragon. However, this Halloween the cutsie, adorable, plush costumes are a thing of the past and he wants to be….Spiderman. Of course, it’s the outfit with the fake muscles, which cracks me up every year to see a little, scrawny 4 year old head flanked by a sea of padding and ripples, waiting eagerly at the door for the “good stuff.” And boy, do I hand out the premium, quality good stuff!! It was kinda sad when I realized that, from now on, I would be doing Pirates and Ninja’s and Batman. Yes, it was pretty depressing…..then I went to Babies R’Us. I was walking up the aisle when I saw it. The most adorable, sickening sweet costume I just HAD to stuff my 10 month old into! Just when I thought that no kid could possibly look as cute in a plush baby costume as Max did…..I saw it. A Daisy costume complete with pedals around the head and ladybugs on the stem(her body). The link isn’t the exact one, Kate’s has legs instead of bunting. But Oh. My. Gosh. I raced home and put it on her immediately. I am happy to report that my Halloween has been salvaged. She is so freakin’ cute I think I’m going to be sick….now I’ve gotta figure out how long I can ride THIS wave. Maybe a ladybug next year? A puppy? How bout a good ole’ pumpkin? I’ve already started counting down the Halloweens until I have to contend with the slutty cheerleader or vamp or whatever other revealing girls costumes they are marketing towards our pre-teens. But, for now, I’m just going to enjoy my muscled Spiderman and sweet, adorable Daisy….and take loads of pictures for blackmailing purposes when she tells me she’s wants to be this.

I am the smarterest person in the room.

My three year old has three towels that he HAS to use; a monkey, frog and dog. They were gifts from my baby shower while I was pregnant with him. They are those cutsie, hooded bath towels that look so adorable in the store, and even MORE adorable when they’re wrapped around a chubby faced 9 month old. Well, my son is three now, so you can imagine what those cutsie, animal towels look like now…but I digress. I washed all three the other day and, while Max was in the bathtub, I hung the frog and the monkey from the bathroom door(in plain sight of my little angel), and folded the dog towel and stored it under the sink(out of his sight). I asked Max, “What do you want to be tonight? A frog or monkey?” His eyes darted to the door. I could see his little eyes jump back and forth between the frog and monkey hanging….I could hear the wheels turning in his head. Then he smiled that devilish little grin that you mothers of “spirited” children know so well. He looked at me with a Cheshire cat grin, and I knew EXACTLY what was coming. “I want to be a doggie…HAHAHAHAHA!” Which translated roughly means, “I want to be the animal that you DON’T have readily available. Now run off, head hung low with defeat, and get me the animal towel that I so desire or I’m gonna make you sorry you chose to sit on your lazy ass all day instead of doing the laundry, including ALL of my towels. Off you go mother. Off. You. Go.” I watched as my adorable little angel laughed at my perceived incompetence, but little did HE know….I was one step ahead. I sweetly looked at him and said, “Well, you’re in luck Max. Because I happen to have the doggie one right here,” and I reached behind me and produced the folded dog towel. He was stunned. Shocked beyond words and that mischievous grin on his face froze, and then slowly faded as he realized he had been had. But, he was not going to go down without a fight and proceeded to scream, “NO! I WANT TO BE A FROGGIE!!!” So I sweetly and politely reached for the frog towel. “NO! I WANT TO BE A…A….ummmm…I DON’T WANT ANY ANIMALS!!!!” I applaud his last ditch effort to obtain some sort of control over the situation, but, yet again, I reached behind me and produced a yellow non-animal towel. He didn’t say it, but I could tell….defeat. He slowly stood up and humbly asked for the dog towel. It doesn’t happen very often, but that day….at that moment….I WAS the smarterest person in the room. You can’t play a playa sucka!

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