I got this….all over me

So, we’ve started on potty training of the bowels, or, as many like to call it, poo-poo training. Why is this so incredibly difficult? Why do I wake in a cold sweat in the middle of night dreaming of toilets and dirty diapers chasing me? Why can’t I just “chill” and let HIM lead ME? Oh, I know why, because I’m sick of cleaning up adult-like crap and if it were up to him, I’d be at his beck and wipe until he’s 5. I’ve been taking crap, metaphorically and literally speaking, for at least 2 years when my son’s dirty diapers stopped being cute and started getting just plain disgusting.

I’ve been working with him and his “aim” while sitting and waiting because, I have to hand it to him, he really does try. However, I’ve never been peed on more in all my life than when we started to poo-poo train! The first time it happened, I was totally not expecting it!! I was kneeling in front of him, completely NOT thinking about pushing it down when BAM! Pee all over me! From the bottom of my neck down to my shins, I was drenched in piss. There I stood, utterly paralyzed with shock and bewilderment while my son ran off laughing and shouting, “I pee-peed on Mommy, I pee-peed on Mommy!” Some may think, “Ah, well. That’s the way it goes sometimes,” but I know the truth-he was waiting for just the right time to get his revenge for all those minutes in time-out! Did you smell that Max? Is the smell of victory sweet?

The first time you’ve been drenched in pee, you run to the shower and scour yourself in hot water…sinking to the floor, shaking and crying(like you see people do in the movies when something traumatic happens), and swearing to never let it happen again…never. The second time it happens, you still rush to the bathroom, but not to shower. No, it takes too long and if you showered every time then you’d spend about 6 hours of your day cleaning yourself. Instead, you stand in the tub and quickly rinse off, using soap of course…I mean, you’re not a COMPLETE primitive. By the fifth and sixth time, you’re just squirting the Purell, justifying to yourself that pee is actually one of the most sterile substances around because the kidneys filter better than any Brita system money can buy. Yup. Then you go pick up your 7 month old and pray to God that she wants, no…DEMANDS to potty train herself.

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